Cynic

Yeah. That's right. I consider myself a cynical person. My dark sense of humor has ironically been the only light at the end of my otherwise dismal tunnel. This way of thinking has been the only way I've stayed sane-ish for 31 years.
It's easy for me to see the glass half empty, keep the curtains drawn and the doors locked. I love rainy days and dark movie theaters. And why shouldn't I?
Some people say I'm a pessimist. I like to think of myself as a realist.
Reality keeps me from the dangerous fantasies that are made for movies and books and People magazine.
I'm a real person with real problems living a very real life. And I'd like to acknowledge the other people out there who share similar feelings. Cheers to you.
I often wish/ed that I was one of these people who was footloose and fancy free. Carefree and happy-go-lucky. I envy these people. I always wonder what it must be like to be in their heads, shoes, lives. Are they on Prozac? Is that their answer? Or are these people genuinely excited about life and all it's grand adventures?
I hear and read often that we should be thankful for everything we have. That we are not in a terminally ill state, have all our working parts and are for the most part of sound and sane mind.
I understand this concept. Completely. Except it seems very hard for me to grasp at the same time. Being the pessimist I am and all. My problems however disproportionate in scale are still my own and will at some point in time need to be worked out by someone. Chances are that someone will be me.
Possibly...probably in a dark movie theater somewhere on a rainy day.

The Rain

Today is a new day. Some might say today is the beginning of the rest of my life.

Now what? Lulu is asleep passed out on the couch. Don't worry for those of you that are new to my stories. She's not my 65 year old alcoholic aunt in for the holidays or anything. Worse, it's my 3 year old daughter.

I'm in my robe. It's 1:30....pm. So this is what people who don't work do? Sit on their computers and hangout in their bathrobes all day? Hmmm maybe I could get used to this.

For some reason today the grey has lifted. It is rainy and awfully stormy outside and yet I feel sunny and excited on the inside. Is this because secretly I am a super dark person? I think so. Others are mopey and depressed on rainy days. Not me. I get to hang out in my pajamas all day and watch tv. Two of my all time favorite pastimes. My husband thinks I'm crazy for this, but I don't care. Obviously, you should see my outfit and the state of my house.

I'm pretty sure I have not brushed my teeth yet or even looked in a mirror for that matter.

But still, I love it.

I went into early "retirement" on Saturday. I use quotes around the word retirement because as a mom you're never really technically retired, are you. The only difference is now there are no lunch breaks, alone time, bonuses or paid vacations. Or pay at all for that matter. Instead I will be clocked in all hours of the day, night and rest of my life. No sneaking away to have lunch with grown ups and getting to play dress up in my fancy clothes.

Hello yoga pants is all I can hear the tape playing in my head say.

The pile of dishes in the sink grows and grows as I sit here typing. My priority list just got shorter.

To Do Today:

1) let the house get totally unkempt-check

2) watch tv for hours on end-check

3)do not remove bathrobe until at least 2pm-check

4)think about all the cleaning I have to do-check

5)think some more about the grocery shopping that needs to be done-check

6)just think about said items on list and not actually do any of them-check

Yep, that looks about right.
Now that I am let's say semi-retired, I think I will have time to focus on my writing, exercise and family. 3 things that at some point in time inevitably fall by the wayside due to well, life. I will have time to chase after Lulu as she runs screaming from me. And in doing so will naturally get my exercise in that way. Now if only I can somehow incorporate writing into the mix, my three birds will be shot down BANG, with one giant ambitious stone.
I've got high hopes for myself now that I'm "retired." I might even start taking showers everyday. I don't know. I know it sounds crazy and you are thinking to yourself, Anna, but how? And well I will just sit back in my chair, laugh to myself and then tell you, it's the rain that keeps me motivated.

THE CACTUS

Mark just said it was a matter of time until the thing came crashing down. This morning, he was right. I awoke, opened the shutters like every other morning, and BAM! There it was. The cactus. Lying there in the middle of the street. Shattered open like humpty dumpty when he fell off his wall. 

We go for various runs, bike ride, and stroller cruises on any given day. We always walk down the street with the cactus. Mark ALWAYS ALWAYS goes out of his way to steer himself and the stroller (with Lulu intact) way way FAR around the cactus. For fear that it might come crashing down upon us one day. Every single time. I am telling you with no exaggeration that he does this every single day. Going from one side of the street to the complete other, just to make sure the cactus does not fall mid walk/run/bike ride. And of course I am always behind saying, "What in the world are you doing?" Or "Oh you and that cactus." Or, "Mark, are you serious? Like that thing is really going to fall." And then BAM, this morning, or sometime in the middle of the night the thing FELL DOWN. Roots and all. The entire cactus. Strewn across the asphalt, splattered open. Just like that. I couldn't believe my eyes this morning when I saw it. Mark was rather in awe when I told him, except of course all he had to say was, "I knew it." And, "It was just a matter of time." 

For those of you who haven't caught up yet, the cactus is not only an actual event that occurred in my life, but also a very appropriate metaphor for my life. This leaning impending doom that was bound to explode upon my life at some point. And some point soon. Mark was right, it was only a matter of time.

 Always trying to steer clear of the cactus in order to avoid it and the mess it could bestow upon our lives. The cleanup that would incur for days possibly weeks after the fall. 

But it had to fall eventually. And I for one am glad that it did. It finally fell and now we can all move on. No more altering my path in fear of the towering shadow it cast. No more wondering when the thing would finally turn on us and perhaps crush us while innocently strolling  by. The cactus had become a part of our everyday life, but not necessarily one that was welcomed. Rather, a situation that was ever nagging. Always controlling the road. Now the cactus is gone, along with all the emotions. Goodbye cactus. You will not be missed.

California Closets

Have you ever heard of this company called California Closets? I guess they come over and organize your closets. They haul their big white van with black bold lettering over to your house. Yes, they come to you. What? Did you think you would have to take your entire closet with all its contents over to them? Come on. They help you "de-clutter", and i'm sure they boast to "improve your life" with how "organized" they can make your closets. As if right when they leave, the shoes don't come out of their respective cubbies and right back onto the floor in mismatched procession. Like the shirts really stay color coordinated, from short to long sleeve, cotton to silks. Really? It's not the clothes and things in the closet that need organizing, it's your life. That's what it really means. This California Closet company makes their money off of people who are in need of a shrink, or personal assistant. These people need their unruly LIVES organized, not their sock and underwear drawers. 

However, I know when I get stressed I tend to organize. Whenever the heat turns on in my life, I turn to the linen, or the hallway closet. I start putting the books on the shelf in order from tallest to shortest. Bathroom magazines are sorted oldest to newest. Toys are put in the toybox according to what function they perform. Ex categories: Toys that make noises, Stuffed animals, stacking cups/nesting blocks, Soft crinkle books, etc... This is what I turn to when I am feeling stressed in my own personal life. I get down with organization. I suppose when I think about it, there could be worse outlets. I could smoke meth (or snort, or whatever it is the kids are doing these days), or become an alcoholic. I could take up smoking cigarettes, or online gambling. (I have tried to become a smoker at one point or another in my life, and it never seemed to stick. hmm).

Maybe these California Closet guys and gals don't have such a bad idea going after all. I've always wondered what it would be like to organize someone else's closet. Mark, my own husband, will not let me near his for some reason. At least I have Lulu who relies on me to keep her sweaters and pants all in a row. 

My point is when" the heat is on" (I love that song...Huey Lewis and The News), do whatever you can to keep your cool. Whatever it is that makes you feel good and keeps your life tolerable, manageable, and keeps you sane. If it means organizing garbage bags full of fall leaves by color, shape, and size, or even sorting National Geographics by faded yellow cover vs. bright yellow cover. Keep your inner peace this Holiday Season. Do what brings you joy and happiness. Don't let the past get you down or ruin your spirits.

 Keep those socks together by folding one over the other! This is what brings joy to my life. 

CoNfLiCt

I think there are people that can be calm in the face of adversity and then there are those that lose control. I'm not sure which one of these I am. I think probably somewhere in the middle. When conflicts arise, which is bound to happen eventually whether we like it or not, I think it is how we DEAL with the aftermath rather than the actual content of the conflict, that makes a persons true character and colors shine through. In the eye of the storm, who will you decide to be?

 Some people get completely spun out of control and attempt to gain some of this control back by berating others, telling lies, poking fun at, and simply acting out in some way, shape, or form. I can't say at some point in time in my very own life have I not succumb to some of these very things. But I would like to think that as i get older, I learn and move ahead from my mistakes. For me, this is what life is about. I like to think that these things are behind me, in the past. I like to think for the most part I handle my conflicts with grace and dignity. Coming out with my head held high. 

I know that sometimes this may be hard to do. I have caught myself thinking of bad things to call the other person. Things that this person may have told me in confidence, now wanting to spread the news to the world. But holding my tongue (for the most part) instead. Knowing that lashing out comes with a price, and that fighting FIRE with FIRE only spreads more FIRE. 

These cliches are so trite. But they seem to really do the trick. Whoever made up these sayings must have lived a very long life. 

Conflict is something that many people are involved with daily. Some people even welcome this sort of life. A dramatic life perhaps. People creating drama to surround their lives. It makes them feel important, maybe like they matter in the world. Because if there were no drama to create chaos where would they be? Where would their specific place be in this gigantic world? So, some people choose to live a life filled with turmoil and chaos. Who am I to judge. 

I, on the other hand, prefer a more balanced and centered life. One free of chaos and drama, as much as possible. That is the kind of person I have worked so hard to become, and am still striving to be every single day. 

 I am no one to tell anyone how to handle their affairs, conflicts or personal matters. I am just someone learning and growing like everyone else, trying to handle themselves with respect and tolerance for others. 

But now, I am a mom. I have someone who looks up to me. Blackalicious said it best, "The only way to be a leader, lead by the way you live." I have never heard any words more profound in my life I think. I have to show Lulu that when you are in the face of adversity you must stand strong and not falter. You must go on and move ahead with your life as positively as your soul will allow. You need to make room in your heart and head for the light and not the dark. That conflict does not have to be something that sets you back, but something to learn from. Take something wonderful out of a seemingly terrible situation. The show must go on. 

Some people go on the only way they know how. The only way they were taught. To fight. To be sad. To let the drama and the chaos and the conflict consume their life. 

But not I. I will march on. I will break-dance and sing off key like it's nobody's business. 

Lulu

Lulu thinks her name is Yaya. We might have to legally change it. Oh Brother

More kids

This picture is sort of old. Hence the shirt indicating it was a time when Lulu was crawling. Needless to say those days are long gone. My crawler has turned into a walker, now a runner. Where does the time go? Today she is having grilled cheese and peas for lunch. WHAT? I remember breast milk and mushed carrots like it was yesterday. Now she says "BEER" when she opens the refrigerator door. Says, "POOP" every time she has gone to the bathroom. What happened when I blinked? Everything. That's what. 

Mark and I are now talking about number 2. (Kid).

There are very many reasons not to, and there are a few reasons that we see why we should. 

I'm not so convinced giving up my body and life for another 9 months. Wait, scratch that...2 years or so is going to be worth it again. Being pregnant is NOT the hard part. By any means, it's what comes after that are the trying times. I love Lulu more than I ever thought possible and am so happy I can hardly express with words. However, I always thought to be one of these people to stay single forever and probably never have kids. So the fact that I even have ONE is saying a lot for me. So that's what has been on my mind a lot lately. To kid, or not to kid...again? Is being an only child so bad after all? I cannot say as I have a sibling. Mark cannot aid in this decision process either because he has 2 other siblings. I guess time will have to be the decision maker on this one. And I suppose I will just have to look deep in my heart...for awhile. There is no need to be hasty in this decision I suppose. Although I don't want to wait too long. More on this subject later. Gotta go deal with what has my hands full for the time being. The one and only...Lulu.